


blurry lines

by softouches



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Modeling, a bit - Freeform, chan is sweetheart, felix is an asshole, it's just me projecting stuff on felix, jisung is a good friend, model!felix, nothing more and idk how it's 13k, videoeditor!chan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:34:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26735194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softouches/pseuds/softouches
Summary: It’s always like that with Chan. You look at him, and constantly feel like you’re not enough. Bang Chan is kind. Bang Chan is smart, considerate, talented. Bang Chan is perfect, with flaws that strangely make him even more impeccable.Felix is just lost.or: chanlix in not very typical model/artist trope
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 22
Kudos: 220





	blurry lines

**Author's Note:**

> it'a a very self-indulgent fic and i don't have justification for that >.<  
> and happy early bday chan, i guess?
> 
> inspired by tons of song but if you want music on the background i recommend [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4n-AbC6GK1Y&ab_channel=TheNeighbourhoodVEVO) and [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0eZYjjM3sQ&ab_channel=Parks%2CSquaresandAlleys-Topic)
> 
> i used seonghwa for minor character but you can picture any person if you're uncomfy hehe 
> 
> * /breaks between timelines  
> \-- /breaks in same time line

Flashlight. A click of a flashbulb. And the feeling of cooled down water coating the skin.

Felix sinks in. Like there is not enough volume to keep him floating, bringing him down, down, and further down to the bottom. But instead of suffocating he feels a wave of relief, head finally empty and clear enough to reach something that vaguely imitates inner peace.

“I think that’s enough,” he hears Jisung mumbling through the dense layer of water as he reemerges, holding tightly on the edges of the bathtub. The thick air hits his lungs as he breathes in vigorously. “The shots are beautiful. Your face is really a treasure,” Jisung says as he looks at the screen of his camera.

Felix sighs, resting his head on his arms. “It is, and I still don’t understand why I agreed to do this for free,” he jokingly rolls his eyes as he meets Jisung’s curious ones.

“Because you love me!” Jisung pouts, pinching Felix on the arm playfully.

“Still not excusing me doing it for free,” he huffs, eyes wandering along the smooth surface of the water coloured in soft pink. “What this project is about anyways?”

Jisung hops off the edge of the bathtub, setting cameras and a tripod aside. He throws a questioning glance at Felix, who is still sitting in a bathtub, clothes and hair soaked through completely. The latter catches that, getting off the bath and wrapping himself in a terry towel. “It’s for my first exhibition,” Jisung explains with a smile. “Did a series of boring wedding and lovestory photoshoots to finally be able to afford that.”

“That’s nice,” Felix replies, shivers going back and forth on his skin. They have been shooting in a studio, but the walls are cemented so the insides are quite chilly. “So, my face on the walls of the gallery?” He smirks, jumping in his place to make himself feel warmer. Not that it exactly helps.

“I will still think about that,” Jisung teases, and Felix plays along, sticking out his tongue at him. “But most likely, yes. As I said, the shots are breathtaking.”

“Changbin wouldn’t be jealous?”

Looking at the boy’s shivering body almost physically hurts Jisung and he gives Felix a flask with suspiciously warm liquid. “Of you? Why would he?” He asks sitting in front of him.

Felix lets out a snort, grasping the flask and feeling as his fingers start tingling from the warmth. Changbin and Jisung were the prime example of that perfect prime couple, with their flaunty romantic gestures and perfect looks. Before, Felix would probably tell that he is jealous of everything they have, but for now the boy isn’t even sure that he wants something like that at all.

At least he likes to think so.

Snapping of fingers brings him back, as Jisung wavers his hand in front of Felix’s face. “You’re drifting away again,” he says tiredly, something close to worry blistering in his eyes. Jisung is one of a few who saw that all and who is still capable to see him through, being practically joined at the hip, but every time it still catches Felix of guard. “You know it’s okay if you ever want to talk? It’s not like I need you only for modelling purposes,” he purses his lips, as if the whole situation makes Jisung feel guilty.

It happens sometimes, at one point of life or another. Adult life comes in, not like a hurricane, but more like a thunder. It doesn’t crush you down all at once, the echoes and horrific sounds rather haunting you from afar, but then the aftermath finally strikes, knocking everything upside down. And keeping up friendship when something that once united you disappears, being it college or shared dorm room, or happy childhood memories, is even harder. Last year for Felix was filled with nothing but work and loneliness, his own rented apartment welcoming him with mere silence and hollowness every time he comes back home. And all the photos clumsily stuck on the wall now stare at him back almost mockingly, being just a reminiscence of good old careless times.

“We’re always happy to see you at ours,” Jisung continues, now fiddling with his fingers in nervous motion. “And guys are always happy to see you as well.”

“I know,” Felix shrugs with a bitter smile. He knows that perfectly, yet reaching out still feels like intruding in someone else’s life.

In stranger’s life.

“I’m not a stranger,” Jisung says, as if voicing Felix ’s thoughts out. “Never was, and will never be. You’re still one of my best friends, you know.”

The words go straight to Felix ’s heart, pleasant yet painful at the edges. And he can’t identify if the pain is from sadness or a grudge, hold and buried somewhere deep down.

“Come to our gathering on Sunday,” Jisung suggests out of the blue. Felix squints at him cautiously, as if trying to decipher the hidden message. “I mean, it’s nothing much? Just small gathering of close friends, a bit of drinks and snacks and all of that,” he shrugs. “I know you need company.”

Jisung has always known Felix too well for his own liking.

“I’ll see if I don’t have shootings scheduled on the weekends,” he mumbles in reply and Jisung gives him a small, reassuring smile.

“I will be waiting.”

Felix hopes so.

*

First time Felix falls in love he is twelve.

It’s feels bright, hopeful, and a bit naïve. But Felix is sure it is love.

The girl wears pretty flower dresses on weekends, as Felix finds out later from his mom the flowers on girl’s clothes are daisies. He loves looking at them, it makes his heart race and lips spread in a wide smile.

Felix starts drawing daisies everywhere – on the walls of his bedroom, in his notebooks, on his hands, on sheets of paper filled with questions written in English. Other guys call him too soft. Too fragile.

Too pretty.

Yet Hyejoo loves talking to him. She compares daisies on her dress to his drawings, gives him candies, and walks him to and from school, chirping something enthusiastically with her melodic voice.

Hyejoo gives Felix a soft kiss on the cheek when the boy gifts her a real daisy on her birthday. And then he thinks it’s time to confess.

He buys strawberry milk on his way to school, dresses up nicely, ready to give his all to his first love. Felix confesses in front of a whole class: loudly, with a wide smile on his lips.

But then he sees it in her eyes. It’s not exactly rejection, or anger, or fear.

It’s a pity.

“As if I would go out with someone like you,” Hyejoo says in a cold tone, as her friends laugh sitting around her in a small circle.

Felix doesn’t know that, but Hyejoo liked him, just fell under the pressure of cruel world of school teenage life, filled with hypocrisy and the need of social validation more than personal desires.

Felix doesn’t know that, that’s why he cries his soul out when he’s all alone in his bedroom. His mother caress through his locks gently, her touches soothing the burning pain in his chest at least for a bit.

“Lixie,” she mumbles under her breath, drawing patterns on his back. “It’s okay, honey. I’m sure you will fall in love again, and it would be the happiest moment of your life. You just have to wait, just a bit.”

And Felix waits. Felix hopes.

Because Felix wants to fall in love so, so badly.

*

When Jisung mentions leaving on his own outside of the dorms for the first time Felix is happy. Because he lives in this imaginary bubble, made of ambitiousness and aspiring dreams, where he is living together with his best friend even after college, and life is as simple and clear as never before.

The problem is that the paths they are taking are leading them in different directions eventually.

Whereas Felix is stuck up studying business administration – major that evokes in him little to no interest – Jisung is majoring in arts. And while Felix starts slowly but steadily dying out from learning something that makes his guts twist and blood boil in fury and agony, Jisung practically blooms in the newly acquired artistic environment. The fire in his eyes burns with even more power, as he meets new people, takes up new projects, and hones his skills at every give opportunity. That’s exactly when Jisung meets Changbin and Chan, and something in their relationships shifts.

Not that Felix feels utterly abandoned, as Jisung is a loyal friend, and pays him attention no less than before. Yet the creative synergy that Changbin, Jisung and Chan have is something that makes them feel as one complex organism, moving together to a one particular goal. Goal of creating something beautiful.

That’s when Felix starts feeling more and more like intruder, and whereas Jisung starts shining the closer they were to graduation, Felix physically felt as he is withering away.

But that’s a different sappy story to tell.

The doors of the apartments seem so painfully familiar, yet so strange, when Felix rings the doorbell. The sound echoes through his ears, tying him back to reality and giving him something to hold on to.

“Hey, you came,” the doors open, Jisung ’s face greeting him with a rather welcoming expression and a smile on his lips. It’s still so genuine and sincere after all those years, and that’s something that makes Felix not that disappointed in life.

Felix smiles back, playing with a ring on his forefinger. “Only because you promised free snacks.”

“Of course,” Jisung winks, playing along.

Felix walks into the room and it seems like even the smell hasn’t changed: a bit musty but with a pleasant tint of dampness. Today it also smells like beer and cheap fast food, making the atmosphere cosier than usual.

Jisung moved in here a year before finishing college, while Felix was still living in the dorms. The offer of living together followed along, but with each spent year Felix felt more like a stranger to the whole artsy atmosphere that apartment eluded, so eventually the appearance of potential roommates was inevitable.

Does Felix regret turning down the offer? Sometimes.

But only at times when nights at his own apartments are especially lonely.

The speakers play a slow indie song on the background, making the room seem even more fanciful than it already is. Felix chuckles, such music choice being something that he should have expected from photographer, video editor and writer living together.

“I didn’t know a ‘party’ was a ‘hang out with your own roommates who you see practically every day’ in your understanding,” Felix arches an eyebrow, watching as Chan is going through fridge at the kitchen and Changbin is sprawled on the couch drinking beer and eating jellies.

Weird combination but who is Felix to judge.

“If I’ve put it like that you would refuse to come.” Jisung pouts, throwing one hand around his shoulders. “Probably start with your ‘I don’t want to bother’ shit again.”

“But I indeed don’t want to bother?” Felix notes, taking a bottle of beer out of Jisung’s hands. He takes a sip and winces, as taste of cheap bitterness fills his mouth.

“My boyfriend is always happy to see you,” Jisung replies, pout still present on his lips. He makes an attempt to snatch out the bottle, but Felix is faster, grasping on it tightly.

“Shouldn’t you question that?” Felix teases, elbowing Jisung playfully and the latter groans, dodging the hit.

“Would trade you for him any day,” Changbin shouts from the couch and Jisung gasps in a, obviously faux, surprise. Felix laughs at that, and it creates an odd paradox with a bitter taste in his mouth as he takes a second gulp. He missed that, the atmosphere of carelessness and childlike lightheartedness, when all the worries remain only as disturbing noise on the background.

“You hungry?” Jisung asks, eyes tracing over the kitchen. “I know you are, you probably live of snacks and wine,” he huffs.

“I make pancakes,” Felix deadpans. Jisung gives him a questioning look as scepticism literally dripping from his gaze. “Sometimes,” Felix shrugs.

Jisung stares back at him, not even blinking, but his lips start twisting in a sly smile. And Felix knows this look, unfortunately too well, that’s why he practically hears the sound of wheels turning in Jisung’s head.

“Channie!” He suddenly shouts and Felix makes a weak attempt to shut him up. “Please treat our guest with some food while you’re at it, he’s basically starving!” The smile is still on his lips but now it’s accompanied by mischievous spark in his eyes.

“Han Jisung,” Felix groans. “I swear I should get back to threatening your life every five seconds.”

“You’d better find something more effective now,” Jisung leans in to whisper. “Threaten to steal my camera with those breathtaking photos and then we will talk.”

With that he pats Felix on the back gently and leaves, probably hinting that someone is waiting for him at the kitchen. With a sigh, the boy turns around, making his way to the figure beside the fridge.

Chan’s hair now of light brown colour, Felix guesses it’s his natural one, as it looks less damaged. His moves are precise and smooth, as he stirs something in the big pot on the stove. The look on his face indicates that the process is a bit confusing to him, yet he still manages to look perfect.

Of course, he does, because Bang Chan has always been the definition of unconditional perfection.

“I feel you staring at me even from here, Felix,” he doesn’t even turn around, yet Felix flinches as he almost sees the judging expression on Chan’s face. “Still not biting after all those years, you know.”

Relationships with Chan have always been of an odd kind. Those types of relationships when you’re not exactly friends, yet your social circle forces you to act like you are one. It’s tiring for both of them, but seems like they are good at acting up.

“Not that it makes you less scary,” Felix huffs, plopping into the nearest kitchen chair. It’s oddly domestic, the way Jisung, Chan and Changbin function all long, being a precise puzzle piece of each other.

“Scary?” Chan laughs, finally turning around to face him. His features are soft, almost tender, yet Felix feels so, so small, being almost swallowed by the boy’s presence. “Not that coming from you,” he observes him from head to toes and Felix feels like he’s being judged again.

It’s always like that with Chan. You look at him, and constantly feel like you’re not enough. Bang Chan is kind. Bang Chan is smart, considerate, talented. Bang Chan is perfect, with flaws that strangely make him even more impeccable.

Felix is just lost.

“All I have is looks,” he shrugs, feeling as the air is slowly becoming tensed. Felix is good at talking, something that his work ethics forces him to do, and Chan is good with people as well, with his charming smiles, like he knows exactly what you want him to say. Yet when they are together it’s seems like they fall into lethargy, complete apathy, when all the words coming out of their mouths are obviously forced.

Felix doesn’t know if that’s because they are putting on a show or letting their true selves being visible for once.

“I have looks as well,” Chan replies, and it’s the first smile he gives him today. It’s small, his dimples aren’t even showing, and his eyes are completely dull, but that still never fails to make Felix feel a tiny splash of warmness inside.

“Not as good as mine.” Felix flinches. Fake it till you make it, as they say.

Chan snorts. “I’ve never said they were.” He rolls his eyes, and turns around to turn off the stove. “Those photos, though,” he says quietly, almost whispers, and Felix even thinks it’s not for him to hear. “Art,” he mumbles, his back facing him.

It is said casually, obviously without hidden undertones, yet Felix feels a tight lump forming in his throat. He is quite used to adjectives like ‘pretty’, ‘beautiful’, ‘stunning’ – they are hollow and emotionless, living up to the notion. And Chan’s words feel vivid, like he talks in colours and shades. “As you said, I have looks,” Felix suggests, fingers tracing small patterns along the table.

“It’s not only about that,” Chan notes.

“Tell me more, sir editor.”

Silence falls once again, Chan being completely engaged in his cooking process. It looks like pizza, but the dough is too thick, and the sauce at the top has this odd colour, but Felix decides not to point that out. The ambience is still far from being comfortable, as Felix almost begs in his mind for Jisung to come back, but Chan has this strange ability to make you feel safe, even when Felix feels like suffocating.

“I swear, the only constant in this world is your relationships.” As if actually hearing Felix’s thoughts Jisung stumbles into the kitchen, taking out two more bottles of beer. “Are there even relationships? You look like distant relatives who hate each other every time you talk,” he concludes in a witty voice, implying that he’s joking.

“I don’t hate him,” Chan mutters quietly, so quiet that Felix is not sure he even said that a lot and it’s not an illusion that his brain started creating. “Never hated him, you know that,” he turns to Jisung and takes the beer out of his hands.

“I’m here, by the way,” Felix wavers with his hand but Chan just rolls his eyes at him, proceeding to opening the glass bottle.

Jisung at the same time lets out a loud huff. “Of course, you don’t hate him, you have been gushing about his face the whole evening yesterday.”

A loud popping sound from a bottle cap strikes through the air, and Chan almost swears, throwing a threatening glance at Jisung’s direction. It’s actually the first time Felix sees him so close to anger towards Jisung.

It’s somehow amusing.

“He literally told me that in my face,” Felix says and meets Chan’s gaze as he turns around to face him. He gives out a smile – forced, but still. Almost like a gratitude.

“And that he wants you as a model for his new video as well?” Jisung asks, quite sincerely, taking a beer opener from Chan’s hands.

Felix gulps, and meets Chan’s eyes again, arching an eyebrow at him. Chan bites down on his lip, visibly hard, and for a glimpse of a second looses his always collected image, but then he just shrugs, continuing with his pizza decorations. “I like his face, of course I want him for my video. I always think about work, you know?” His voice is calm and steady. Confident. “Not like he would agree anyw--,”

“What video?” Felix cuts him off. Chan is facing him with his back now as he puts pizza in the oven and Jisung feels more like a spectator, sipping on his beer quietly.

“It’s a personal project,” Chan turns around, shaking off flour from his hands. “Not commercial.”

“Sounds like fun,” Felix says with an obvious dare. Chan looks at him tiredly, but without an intention of giving up.

“I can’t pay you, Felix,” he replies and his voice sounds and feels like a steel. Raw and unfiltered. “People work for me for thank you and maybe a dinner, if they are willing to have it.”

“Still sounds fun.”

“You don’t work for free,” Chan deadpans.

“I did it for Jisung, didn’t I?” He leans over, small smirk appearing at the corner of his lips. Felix doesn’t fully understand what gotten into him, when the fact that he doesn’t do charity for struggling artist is quite well-know, especially when it’s Bang Chan. But something oddly seducing pushing him closer and closer to the offer, maybe it’s pure curiosity, maybe dare, but Felix is eager.

Too eager.

“What kind of drama is that and where I watch the next episode?” Jisung blurts out in awe with a sly smile on his lips.

“You don’t mean it,” Chan continues, ignoring Jisung completely.

“I do, if you want to,” Felix rests his head on his palm, eyes not leaving Chan even for a second. “I mean, you said you needed my face, I’m willing to give it.”

Chan stares at him for a moment, visibly considering his options. “And what exactly do you want for that?”

“Nothing,” Felix shrugs and Chan’s eyebrows rise up. “Just a copy for a portfolio. I’m sure it would be useful.”

Chan scowls, leaning back on the stove behind him. “Deal,” he answers, throwing his head back pridefully, as if accepting the dare. “But it’s either my way, or no way, keep that in mind.”

With that he leaves, not sparing a glance to neither Jisung nor Felix. The latter sees how Chan’s face breaks into wide smile as he approaches Changbin, plopping near him and laughing loudly at something he said. Felix never saw smile that sincere directed at him.

And it seems like a challenge.

“What game are you playing, Lix?” Jisung asks him with a smile.

Felix would like to know the answer to that as well.

*

Second time Felix falls in love he is sixteen.

His first love remains just a reminiscence of past trauma, fading away until there is nothing left from it – only a small, unobvious scar.

So when love strikes him for the second time, Felix is happy, excited, hopeful. It mixes up inside, creating a swirl and tangle of emotions and confusion. Because he’s in love with his best friend.

Felix and Haneul are inseparable. It seems interesting to Felix how just one person can become the bane of your existence and everything becomes connected to them – from your daily routines to every second of your own free time. They laugh together, cry together, experience euphoric moments together, do stupid things as any ordinary sixteen-year-old teenager. And it feels like everything is so painfully right.

Except from the fact that Haneul is a boy.

And not like it’s surprising for Felix himself, accepting his attraction to any human being at a very young age. It doesn’t make him confused, or lost, it’s the other way around. Felix finally feels free, finally feels like he’s letting out his true self. And everything is perfect.

Yet society is fucked.

When Felix decides to confess for the second time it’s unprepared. He doesn’t buy flowers, or chocolates, or makes a speech beforehand. Haneul is just too close to him this time, his lips thin, but still glistering and so tempting. They’re watching a movie and the room is dark, illuminated only by a dim lightning of the tv screen, making the atmosphere even more intimate. And when Haneul’s face seems too close to his own as he excitedly tries to show him something going on the screen, something inside Felix bursts and he makes a one rushed and quick motion, placing his chapped lips onto Haneul’s.

It’s chaste and simple, yet the next thing Felix feels is a rough push.

Haneul is not angry, his breathing is heavy and his eyes are wide, like he actually saw a ghost somewhere inside the room. “What the hell, Lix?” He whispers, distancing himself from Felix’s body more and more, almost curling into a ball.

And Felix suddenly goes numb. “I just--,” he starts, stumbling upon the words, eyes wandering in attempts to find something to concentrate on. “I like you, okay?” He finally says, sucking a breath. “Have liked you for a long time, actually.”

The silence is heavy, the heaviest that Felix has experienced. “Lix, I like you, like you a lot.” It’s reassuring but Felix sees that in his eyes, the same look that Hyejoo had in hers, so he patiently waits for the punch. “But not like that.”

His body is still numb, so the punch doesn’t feel like a punch, more like an electric shock discharge, light currents going in waves through his body.

Yet when he’s all alone in his room again, clutching on the edges on the bed like it’s the last straw of his life, the scar inside of him becomes an open wound again.

*

“Monday, four in the evening. Get late – consider yourself fired.”

These are the last words that Felix hears from Chan after their small party, the latter seeing him off with furrowed brows and an exhausted gaze, contracted by Jisung’s excited expression.

Monday is in a week and for some reason it’s the only thing that keeps Felix going. It’s a bittersweet feeling, like anticipation, soaking into his body, like it’s a sponge that hungrily takes anything in.

Not that his modelling works were ever exciting anyways. For more that a year his life feels like it was put onto an autopilot. Everything is just ….. _a blur._

And now Felix finally sees a bright, distinctive spot amidst it.

“You look unusually excited.” Felix looks to the side at Hyunjin, who is in process of removing his make-up. It’s third time they work together and somehow they click, and all the photoshoots even become bearable.

“I’m always excited,” Felix shrugs, putting on his leather jacker.

“No, you always look like you’re ready to commit an arson,” He rolls her eyes and starts putting his stuff into the bag. “Seriously, Lix, I haven’t seen you that excited to go home yet.”

“Because?”

“Because usually you’re just apathetic,” he deadpans, not even looking at him.

Hyunjin is bold and honest. Way too honest for this modelling career, where you undoubtedly become a people pleaser with time. But Felix respects him for that, and it evokes the small bursts of sympathy that usually he doesn’t really feel towards other people.

So that’s why he tells the truth. “I’m having another shoot in an hour.”

“Something worth your time?” Hyunjin asks with a little smile.

Felix hesitates, playing with a silver ring on his forefinger. “I’m doing it for free,” he finally replies.

“You?” Hyunjin’s voice rises in amusement. Felix gives him a threatening look and Hyunjin just laughs, crossing arms on his chest. “What? You never work for free,” he snorts. “Must be something special.”

Felix just brushes it off, switching the flow of the conversation in completely different direction.

With that they say their goodbyes, and Felix watches as Hyunjin’s figure slowly fades out into the crowd. Letting out a sigh he sends a quick message to Chan and checks the needed location in maps.

Felix still ends up being late.

By two minutes, which actually is quite impressive considering the heavy traffic that is going on the roads.

He sees Chan right away. Felix can’t say the boy looks that prominent: dressed in all black, as if he didn’t really want to be noticed. When their eyes meet, Felix feels like he is splashed with a freezing water, Chan’s gaze radiating coldness and complete indifference.

“I warned you about being late, didn’t I?” He says instead of warm greatings, voice calm and stern.

“So, are you firing me now, sir editor?” Felix smirks, not ready to back down. He’s still not completely sure what he is doing here, and this whole venture is fun, making Chan step out of his usual perfect self which is almost endearing, as if Felix finally managed to flush him out.

Chan lets out a deep sigh at that, lifting his big – almost enormous – backpack from the ground and throwing it over the shoulder. “Fortunately for you, and unfortunately for me, I don’t have any other available options,” he says tiredly. “And I’ve already gone all across the town for this so no way I’m letting this go to waste.”

“Nice,” Felix shrugs and Chan just rolls his eyes at that, gesturing with his hand to follow him.

The walk is relatively long, as they don’t really fill in spaces with talking, each minding their own business. Chan seem to type in quick notes in his phone on the go, and Felix just keeps his eyes glued to horizon, as sun is moving closer and closer to it. “Are we filming during sunset?” Felix asks and Chan hums in reply. “That’s so corny, though. Aren’t you, like, genius?”

“I swear to fucking god, Felix,” he grumbles, almost growls, even, and Felix laughs, raising his arms in defensive motion.

“Sorry,” he mouths, and silence falls once again.

At one point the scenery of industrial city is slowly changing into something that looks like debris. The building that comes into the views is completely shambled – ruins and wrecks of cement being scattered along the place. Felix fights the urge to grip onto Chan’s arm tightly, as the place embodies silent fear: not exactly terrifying, yet the hollowness of the place hit somewhere close to home.

“You’re not planning on killing me, right?” Felix asks, then almost falls over the thick cement brick lying on the ground, But Chan reflexes are faster, as he catches his elbow preventing the fall. “Okay, you obviously don’t,” Felix huffs and feels cold sweat running on the back of his neck.

“You fine?” Chan mumbles, and Felix swears he distantly sees worry in his eyes for the first time.

“Yes, cap,” he laughs, making a small saluting gesture.

The building is undoubtedly unfinished construction project, as there is the same bare cement inside as it was outside. Steel bindings are sticking out from the walls – so sharp that Felix thinks they could actually kill a living being, and the steps leading to the top floors are half in ruins. “How did you even find this place?” Felix mutters, clinging on the walls as they start going up the stairs. Not that he’s afraid of the height but the visual aspect of fortification definitely makes it scary.

“Stumbled over accidentally,” Chan throws his bag over the shoulder as he goes up leading the way. He jumps over two steps like there is no tomorrow, sprinting up quickly despite obviously heavy equipment placed on his back. While Felix feels like a blind kitten trying to run for his life and not to die. “I usually try to look for new places myself, you know? So, I kind of just wander on the streets until my legs lead me to something more or less decent.” His words get hitched from sprinting, but Chan still manages to sound stable even with that. “And don’t worry, the stairs are tenable enough.”

“Thank you very much, definitely makes it easier,” Felix snaps, moving far to slow as he looks down at the ground beneath him.

Chan sighs somewhere at the top. “Don’t look down.”

Felix snorts, feeling as mud from the walls is getting under his nails. “Wow, you definitely give good advices.”

“Shut up, will you?” It is intended to be harsh yet Felix manages to catch traces of laughter in his voice.

When Felix finally sees the premises of top floor the world seems to stop.

It’s definitely a roof, but construction wise the place was intended to be just a floor as there are remains of broken walls here and there. They create something more than just an ordinary rooftop view, like Felix suddenly teleports to some kind of post-apocalyptic world, watching the life taking its course form aside, like an intruder. And it feels like one of those stupid metaphors that mask the realities of real-world life in a more poetic way.

“Fucking hell,” he exhales, looking as the sun gets even closer to horizon, its – now orange – rays falling onto the premises. He looks at Chan, who starts unpacking his equipment with a knowing smile. “I thought I was corny, huh,” he says, taking out two cameras, drone and a tripod from his bag.

Felix never really doubted Chan’s creative vision, but he decides not to comment on that. “So,” he starts, scraping his feet along the ground. “What do you want me to do? Any instructions? And what’s the concept?”

“No concept,” Chan shrugs, placing the camera on tripod. “No instructions,” he takes drone remote in his other hand. “Just you.”

Felix lets out a sad smile, feeling his guts twisting with an odd feeling. Panic starts creeping somewhere at the back of his mind but he quickly shuts it off, putting on a forced smile. “As you wish, sir editor.”

“And god forbid, no posing, okay?” Chan almost pleads. “I will start with filming transitional shots that I need, and you will have time to adjust. So, I don’t know, just _be you_.”

As if that is so easy.

Letting out a deep sigh, Felix starts slowly walking away, hands in pockets, lips pursed. He tries to relax but still feels the tension rising up in his body, every part of it completely going numb. A lot of people told him that he has innate skills of acting in front of the camera, complimented even more by his face and posture, but now Felix seems to forget how to move, as if someone hit him on the head with something heavy.

Chan groans. “Wait, no, we won’t go anywhere with this.”

“Terribly sorry, but what did you expect?” Felix snaps, back still facing Chan. “How am I supposed to understand what to do when you’re not telling me what do you want.”

“I’ve told you what I want clearly,” Chan grits through his teeth. “What’s the point of your face when you can’t even use it,” he mutters but it’s still audible, making Felix’s blood boil even more.

“Maybe if you actually tried to help me,” he deadpans, coming closer to the edge of the roof and slightly leaning over. Fresh air on his sweated skin feels chilly, but makes him calm down, slowly coming back to senses.

Then Chan’s face comes into view. “Sorry,” he mumbles as Felix titles his head to the side. “I just really want this thing to be raw and sincere,” he says, small smile appearing on his lips. “We don’t really know each other and I rarely ask strangers to model for personal projects.”

 _Strangers._ Not even acquaintances. It’s something that should not surprise Felix, because the whole friends disguise was mostly put on because of Jisung, but hearing it like that, out loud, does make something clench in his chest.

“Think of this as not a modelling work,” Chan continues. “Like I’m not even here?” He suggests, as if thinking through this sequence of events. “This thing is just me projecting my own existential confusion on other people and trying to make art out of it,” Chan chuckles. “So, really, no pressure. Just you and your own thoughts.”

The sun gets to the horizon even closer, and Felix observes how the skies are swallowed by the palette of orange, pink and purple. Unintentionally he smiles, thinking of sweltering sunset in Australia, almost feels the fresh breeze on his sun-kissed skin. The railings under his fingers feels cold, as if steel is burning through them as he traces his hand along the frames. Felix wants to move further, but suddenly remembers that Chan is still there, and as he titles his head at him the latter is already hidden beside the camera that is pointed directly at his face. “Remember, I’m not here,” he peeps out shortly, letting out a quick smile.

And somehow it flows. For a grain of a moment, Felix feels like he’s the only living being in this world. Like it’s only him, damping sun, wrecks of ruined cement, and intoxicating flavour of freedom, as if someone finally broke the ropes that are tying his hands tightly, keeping him still.

Felix doesn’t really identify what he’s doing as well. No control over body, or over emotions expressed on his face. It’s both scary and overwhelming at the same time, making his blood pump with adrenaline. And Chan doesn’t seem like a human – more like Felix’s shadow, you feel its presence yet it’s so subtle that you forget its even there.

At one point, Felix find himself beside Chan on his hoodie, somehow close to the edge but far enough not to panic. Chan hums unfamiliar song while looking through his camera and phone, and Felix watches as daylight is replaced by evening skies. “How can a human being be so beautiful,” Chan mumbles, but there is no adoration or affection in his voice – just a dry statement.

“And when you fall in love with me,” Felix chuckles. He feels oddly comfortable, like something switched in the span of two hours, making the awkwardness and stiffness go away.

Chan clicks with his tongue loudly. “Pretty snobbish boys are not my type,” he says, lips twitching in a small smirk. “Been hurt enough by them already, don’t need this shit anymore.”

Felix can’t say he remembers any of Chan’s partners clearly, because he never actually cared. But he remembers the type definitely – as perfect, kind, and patient as Chan is.

And Felix is definitely far away from that. “This place is…. enchanting somehow.” He decides to switch the topic until it gets to a dangerous boundary of sappy feelings talk. “I feel like I’m in a different world.”

“That’s the whole point,” Chan replies, setting his camera aside, leaning back on his palms as he looks at the sky. “It’s like in those video games, you know? Place of power,” he says in rather dramatic tone with a vivid expression on his face, making Felix let out a small laugh. “When I feel that my battery is low and I need to recharge, or when I lack inspiration, I always come here. It’s special for me.”

“You do realize that you just gave me off your secret place?” Felix arches an eyebrow at him.

“As if you ever were fond of me enough to come back here some day,” Chan snorts.

“Oh, come on!”

“What?” Chan exclaims, now laughing hard. The grin is plastered all across his face, and his eyes disappear in an eye smile, dimples appearing under them and at the corner of his lips. It’s the same laugh that is usually directed at Jisung and Changbin, but not him.

It feels so sincere and genuine that Felix wants to cry.

“We have known each other for three years now and I don’t think there has been a day when you actually wanted to hang out with me,” he goes on. “We both know we’re just putting on a show for Jisung. And Changbin is just lucky to be his boyfriend so you have to be nice with him.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m _sincerely_ nice to him.” Felix flinches. It’s half-truth, but not precisely lying.

“I would be too in your place,” Chan huffs. “Changbin is damn scary.”

“As if you’re not,” Felix sulks.

“I can’t even hurt a fly.”

“That’s even scarier.”

There is this strange thing with perfection. We all strive for it, all want it, yet when we face perfection in real life it brings this strange feeling of fear, like it’s something unnatural. _Fake._

“Blurry lines,” Chan says, looking down onto his intertwined fingers. “That’s the concept. I’ve told you that is just me projecting my own existential confusion on other people, right?” He looks at Felix briefly and the latter nods affirmatively. “It’s how my life lately feels. Blurry. I see the aim. See what I want to do. But it all seem not to make sense.” Chan’s voice turns into a low whisper, as if the atmosphere is so fragile that can fall apart with every word. “I’m also lost, Felix. Maybe determined and stubborn, but also lost. I look at my life and don’t see the sense anymore, you know? And I can’t figure out why the world is that cruel to me.”

It hits close to home. Too close. Felix feels as if someone punched him in his guts, forcing out all the air from his lungs. Like that short moment of being underwater – suffocated, yet finally something irks him inside of his chest, making him feel like a human again.

It’s a moment of vulnerability. And you either give in, either push it even deeper into the back of your mind, to the place where no one can find it.

If Felix and Chan were friends, he would say that life hasn’t made sense since his second year of college. Life stopped making sense when his heart broke over and over again, people turning it into complete shambles. He would say how desperately he wanted to be loved, and how the world fired back with nothing but cruelty.

But Felix and Chan are not friends. And that’s when those thoughts get pushed back again.

“And you’re telling me this unbelievably sappy speech because?” The words burn Felix’s mouth, like if the insides are actually acidic.

But Chan just laughs it off, quite bitterly this time. “Fuck adulthood, I guess?”

Felix thinks of work he absolutely detests. Of college years that felt like a complete waste of time. Of broken hearts and mess of emotions that were left behind. And of heaving burden of thoughts that never leave him alone as they force all the common sense out.

“Fuck adulthood,” Felix agrees, and a small smile graces his lips as well.

*

The knock on his door that day sounds different – Felix is in awe because Jisung never knocks, and why his roommate would knock on the door after all. But completely clueless he rushes there, and the next thing he knows is that he is facing the most beautiful human being in the whole world. Like he actually stepped out of the fairytale.

Third time Felix falls in love he thinks it’s finally _for real._

Like those cool adults in all those romantic movies. With serious relationships and flaunty expressions of love. With late night dates, sickening domesticity, and stupid fights from the scratch. But it feels like _love._

He meets Seonghwa somewhere between the loads of homework and completely unbearable classes, desperately needing something to make his life full again. Felix still young at that time – still soft, naïve, and hopeful. The type of person who believes in love at first sight.

“Hello!” The boy at the doors says cheerfully, looking around with curiosity. “I’m looking for Han Jisung, do I have the wrong place?”

“Hi,” Felix forces out shyly, feeling his palms sweating. Him from two years ago is a bit awkward, not yet socially adapted, but still capable of using it as his own charm. “And yeah, Sungie—I mean Jisung, is living here, but he has gone out for a bit.”

“Oh, you must be Felix!” The boy exclaims and his eyes wide out in visible excitement. “Jisung have told me a lot about you! I’m Seonghwa, I’m helping him with his photography class.” He stretches out a hand in Felix’s direction.

Hesitantly, while wiping his hand on the back of his jeans, Felix shakes the boy’s hand, something tingling on the tips of his fingers as he lingers them over for a longer then he should. “Nice to meet you,” he says with a smile. “Are you studying photography as well?” Felix asks and invites Seonghwa to enter the room with a welcoming gesture.

“Oh, no, I’m dance major, actually,” the boy replies and steps inside of the room. He’s quite tall, and has full glossy lips, complimented by big doe eyes, so big that Felix thinks he can drown in them. “Jisung just needed a model, so I agreed to help,” he huffs a laugh, and the corners of his eyes wrinkle cutely. “Not that we’re that close, but, you know, Jisung’s boyfriend is Changbin, and he is friends with Wooyoung, and Wooyoung is my friend so,” Seonghwa shrugs, and maybe Felix was imagining it, but he catches shyly stolen glances and a tint of pink on his cheeks.

“The circular flow of college acquaintances.” Felix grins, and they finally sit beside the table. “Jisung knows everyone at this point,” he snorts, offering Seonghwa some chocolates lying on the table. “And here I thought he’s the awkward gay, not me.”

Seonghwa accepts the sweets gladly, throwing one in his mouth. It’s strange because Felix feels the sweetness on his tongue as well. “You’re cute,” the boy says quietly and immediately blushes as Felix’s lips curl in a soft smirk. “I mean--,” he clears his throat, “since we’re waiting maybe let’s do something fun?”

Felix thinks it’s harmless. Felix gives this a shot because Seonghwa’s gaze is dreamy and nice, because his hands are warm and tender, because the brush of his lips on his cheek that day makes the pool of emotions swirl inside.

Felix gives this a shot because that’s something he has always wanted – to finally feel loved. And the puzzle pieces finally fit into place, making the picture of Felix’s life look perfect.

For first six months.

*

“Are you seriously filming me while I’m eating?” Felix asks exhaustedly, while munching on his food and letting out loud noises in process. It’s not like he’s the neatest eater, usually having sauces and grease all over his hands, face and mouth, leaving alone the fact that he hardly thinks of his expressions to be filmed right now.

Chan in front of him peeps out of his Iphone – Felix notices how he usually uses both camera and his phone for filming – and shrugs, putting it back on the table. “Did you know that people look most true to themselves when they are eating?” He says almost playfully, corner of his lips curled and eyes squinted. “So, I’m just using the moment.”

“Look, I’m trying my best,” Felix replies with his mouth full, trying to wipe his greasy hands at the same time. It comes out muffled, and Chan laughs loudly, attracting the attention of passers-by. Strangely, they don’t look annoyed, rather endeared by the boy’s vivid expressions.

And Felix honestly can’t blame them.

“I dearly appreciate that,” Chan says, clutching onto his heart in dramatic manner. Felix can’t help but laugh as well, and Chan points with his phone at him again.

“What are you doing?” Felix asks, still laughing.

“Catching the rare moments of your real laughter,” Chan mumbles, while filming him from different angles. “Don’t think I’ve heard you genuinely laughing for past two years.”

This kind of hits, but Felix thinks it’s hard for now to get through this numbness in his body, so he just lets out a bitter chuckle. “Not the best years of my life, unfortunately.”

“Who the hell has their best years in early twenties?”

“Jisung?” Felix suggests, but Chan cuts him off with a loud ‘nah’.

“He’s just acting up.” Chan puts his phone on the table again and then slightly leans forward on his elbows. It’s interesting how the whole perception of a person changes the better you get to know them. Before, Felix would say that Chan’s features are stiff and tensed, all sharp at the edges, making up his outer façade. But now he sees only softness and warmth – in the way his hair curls around his forehead and wrinkles form at the corners of his eyes.

“Just like you,” Felix mutters, clearing his throat. He grows fond of Chan more and more since all this filming project thing has started, and while it’s finally something that makes his days bearable, it’s also something that makes the sticky feeling of fear cover his insides, as if there is a big warning sign glowing in his head, like a defence mechanism.

“Just like any other human being, Lix.” Their eyes meet and Chan gives him a quick pursed smile before going back to the notes on his phone.

There is this odd thing about Chan as he desperately tries to fix people, and most of the times, it just shoots back at him, obviously making his heart break in shambles. But Felix knows that Chan is strong – much stronger than him – and that’s why he keeps on giving people second chances, even though they don’t deserve them at all.

And Felix is the prime example of it.

“How’s your hair is so shiny?” Chan snaps him back to reality, switching the tensed atmosphere. “I was blonde for a year and my hair is still falling out, but you have been blonde for ages,” he whines and starts sipping on his drink.

“Blonde looked good on you, by the way,” Felix notes with a laugh taking a gulp of his coffee as well. “And, I don’t know? Just intensive care and a bit of magic,” he winks, hoping it doesn’t look pathetic.

Chan snorts at that, rolling his eyes. “I knew you were a fairy.”

“Pretty and ethereal?” Felix wiggles his eyebrows.

“Cruel and heartless,” Chan groans, and starts pulling something out from his backpack. Felix catches the glimpses of pink, and the next thing he sees in front of him is glasses. “Your props for today.”

Felix takes them carefully, the pink on his hands reflecting in a nice way. “Seriously?” He asks, and quickly puts them on. “I thought you didn’t want me to look edgy. And I hope you know that pink doesn’t help.”

“It’s a metaphor,” Chan explains with a laugh. “ _To wear rose-coloured spectacles,_ ever heard of the idiom, business major student?”

“Oh, shut up,” Felix hisses. “It’s like, to see everything in better way? More optimistic?”

“Yeah, something like that,” Chan nods. “But for me it has always been more like a sign of delusion? Especially when you grow up,” he says with kind of bitter smile. “You still have the glasses, but the world requires you to take them off immediately, yet you’re like living in this imaginary bubble of positivity and happiness.” Chan stumbles at the end, furrowing his eyebrows. “I kind of think I wear them still, you know?”

Felix wonders what it’s like to live in delusion. It seems easier, clearer, not that complex, as you still see the world in the brightest colours even if it’s fake.

“I don’t,” Felix sighs, taking the specs off and putting them back on again immediately. Chan’s silhouette is now of pretty pink, as soft and genuine as he is.

And for a glimpse of a moment, everything seems so simple.

\--

Once Jisung told Felix that doing art for money and doing art for art is two different things.

“It’s like you try to cater to two completely different types of audience,” he explains. “You know exactly what the general public wants, what effect your employer wants, so you do your best to satisfy _their_ needs. But when you do art for the sake of art it’s pure self-indulgence. Yet, we need to eat, you know? So, we just have to bear with all the boring and plain put-up jobs to invest those money in our creative freedom later.”

Felix is far from being an artist, it has always been more of Jisung’s prerogative. And it’s not like he has ever cared about the way he’s making money anyways. Felix earns enough, and that is all that have mattered for a long time.

But coming back to regular photoshoots and filmings after those he had with Chan suddenly feels like hell.

All the moves seem forced. All the expressions seem fake. Felix looks at the final shots and he doesn’t see himself at all, almost as if he is a cheap counterfeit. And it has to be okay, as it comes with a job.

But it’s pointless to deny that something switched. Like the trigger was pulled, and there is nothing that you can do about it now.

“Chan said you’re coming to my exhibition,” Jisung mumbles on the other side of the phone, and the voice sounds a bit muffled due to his constant broken speakers dilemma.

“He what?” Felix squeaks, and tears the gaze away from the screen.

“Wait, you weren’t going to?” Jisung whines. “But it would be filled with your pictures. And maybe job offerings, you know,” he says cheekily.

Felix sighs, rubbing on his temples. “I’m sick of my job.”

“I thought you liked it?”

“I have to,” Felix grumbles. “Otherwise six hour a day office job is waiting for me.”

“At least it’s a set schedule work?” Jisung suggests meekly. Felix just huffs a laugh at that, continuing to scroll through his social medias. “Anyways, Chan told me you agreed to come.”

“And you believed him.”

“Well, you kind of got closer, not like I didn’t notice.”

Felix opens his mouth to snap, or say something witty, yet shuts it immediately. Because, the truth is, he has nothing to say to deny that.

“It’s not like I mind, if that’s bothering you,” Jisung says quietly.

“Jisung,” Felix exhales.

“I mean, if that’s what is making you happy.”

“I’m just helping him,” Felix hisses out. “Nothing more, nothing less.”

The more you distance yourself from the people, the easier it’s to lie. Before, Felix would break down, and let it all out in one breath. He would curl in a ball beside Jisung, crying and seeking for comfort. Before he would let being comforted.

Now it’s a different thing, though.

“Look, Lix, I know a lot of bad things happ—”

“I will come,” Felix cuts him off. “Chan wanted to film some stuff so he would make me come anyways.”

“Lix, you can’t avoid this conversation forever,” Jisung replies and the desperation in his voice is strikingly obvious this time. “I’ve told you, I’m your best fr—”

With shaky hands Felix denies the call, hiding his flushed red face in them. The emptiness of his room hovers over, only his loud breath echoing through the walls. Felix wants to cry, wants to finally break down again and just let it all go, vanish, disappear. Just to feel _anything._

*

They say that when you’re in love you see the world differently.

It’s like the effect that alcohol has – your mind feels fizzy, everything seems to move slowly, almost as if steadily, and blister with bright, flamboyant colours. Basically, just another form of intoxication.

That the effect Seonghwa has on Felix.

It feels exactly like he has always imagined the feeling of being in love. Life feels vivid, lucid, almost surreal. Just like the whole Seonghwa’s presence in his life.

He’s open. And safe. Extremely sweet and considerate. That’s something that Felix experiences for the first time in his life because he is finally not pushed away.

Seonghwa’s touches are soft, tender, and his smiles are filled with affection. And Felix is unconditionally and utterly in love.

“You both are disgusting,” Chan mutters under his breath, obviously not having intentions of being heard.

But Felix still catches his words and closes the chat with his boyfriend to meet Chan’s gaze. “Not as disgusting as Jisung and your precious friend.”

“His name is Changbin,” Chan snaps, lowering down the volume of his voice so Jisung won’t catch them bickering. His hair is still blonde at that time, and his love for black and leather makes him seem more of a frat boy than he is. “And at least they are not making out in public.”

“We were never making out in public,” Felix grits through his teeth trying to keep his voice as low as Chan’s. The latter gives him a questioning look, smirking down. “Okay, it was once, but you’re just jealous because you’re old and single.”

Chan snorts, leaning back lazily in the armchair. “Just wait until being single becomes your lucid dream,” he says, small smirk still playing on his lips. “Love is pointless anyway. The next thing you know you get all domestic and be more like brothers living together.”

“Gosh, you’re so boring,” Felix groans, feeling his blood boil. Because he knows that him and Seonghwa are different. He knows it’s not just pointless fling.

He’s almost sure it’s forever.

“Just being realistic,” Chan deadpans and gets up as his phone starts ringing in his hands.

Being in love always makes you think it will last forever. You have this immaculate picture in your head, and in there everything is settled down, everything works, and there is no single flaw. And if there is one, you’re sure there is nothing you can’t overcome together.

Yet life is a bitch and doesn’t want everything to go as it planned.

It starts from small things. Tiny misunderstandings and stupid quarrels. And it’s something Felix expects to happen, seeing same thing happening to Jisung. But Jisung is still happy, still in love, and is still shining bright.

With Felix and Seonghwa it’s only gets worse. And the most terrifying thing about it is that they don’t understand why. It’s like just one day those puzzle pieces that fit suddenly became rough at the edges, trying to tear that one perfect picture into shambles.

Ironically, the day they break up is rainy. Grey, dull, and overall disgusting. The words ‘I just don’t think it can work out’ still bumps loudly in Felix’s head, filling his lungs, throat, guts – every particle of his body.

Felix doesn’t have the willpower to go to the room and face Jisung, leaving alone talking to him, so he just breaks down right there, on the benches near the dorm, almost dramatically soaking under the cold autumn rain.

“Hey.” The voice is familiar, and for the splash of a second Felix thinks Jisung found him, but looking up he sees Chan, blonde locks sticking to his temples and forehead.

“What the hell do you want, Chan?” Felix forces out, managing not to sob in between.

Bang Chan and Lee Felix are not friends. Never were. Yet Chan is the one who comforts Felix after every fight, Chan is the one talking him to sleep after he have been crying for an hour after every word thrown carelessly, and Chan is the one to rush to his home every time something happens. It’s not that Seonghwa is a bad human being, he is not, and he really cared about Felix, but sometimes things don’t work out the way they should, and somehow Chan was always there to see this, as bothering Jisung was not something that Felix wanted to do.

“Look, Felix, I know we’re not close,” he says quietly, stretching out his arm to pat the boy’s back soothingly. “And I know you don’t like me, but--,” the air catches somewhere in is throat as Felix breaks down in tears again. “But it’s not the end of the world. It’s going to be fine. People break up every day, and life’s goes on.”

The only thing that Felix ever wanted is just to be loved. He wanted that so bad, yearned for it desperately, but every time it seemed like the universe was just laughing at him, bringing him down, down, and down.

“Oh, sod off, Chris,” he whispers, harshly avoiding the touch as he hides his head in his arms again.

But Chan doesn’t sod off. Chan stays there for hours, Chan makes sure Felix isn’t soaked through, Chan brings him home to panicked Jisung, who nearly breaks down in tears as well.

Bang Chan and Lee Felix are not friends.

But Chan still makes sure to keep Felix safe.

*

“It’s so strange to see my face everywhere,” Felix says, looking around the room. It’s a small gallery – almost tiny – but it still looks somehow classy and chic, with pastel coloured walls and Felix’s face plastered on some of them. “Maybe I understand all the fuss about me,” he chuckles.

“I’m just a good photographer.” Jisung elbows him gently and smiles.

Felix can’t help but agree.

Among the countless pictures of his own face he recognizes other familiar ones – Changbin, mostly captured in his natural surroundings, with a pen and a notebook in his hands, looking like he came out straight from the classy old-fashioned movie. There is also Seungmin, Jisung’s other photographer friend, captured with a camera in his hands and a hood over his head. 

Felix tries to find Chan’s face displayed on the walls, but eventually understands that there aren’t any, letting out a desperate sigh. Jisung has this amusing ability of capturing people the way the actually are, even with all the expensive props and sometimes odd surroundings. And that’s why seeing Chan through Jisung’s perspective was especially interesting, almost intriguing.

“Chan doesn’t like to be on camera,” Jisung appears by Felix’s side again. “Kind of ironic, but I think he believes that a person can see through you if you’re capturing them through the lense,” he says with a soft smile. “I only have some accidental ones on my phone, but that’s all.”

Felix clenches one of his fists by his side, feeling light pain as the nails sink into the skin. “Why are you telling me this, Jisung?” He asks quietly, carefully, feeling his pulse picking up.

“I don’t think you’re ready for this conversation yet,” Jisung chuckles. “But when you are, remember that I’m here.” With a forced smile he pats him gently on the shoulder and then starts waving with his hand at the newcomers.

Chan is one of them, his bright smile entering the room before him.

He’s all black and leather again, only the chestnut brown locks identifying that Felix is, indeed, in present, and Chan is not an illusionary projection of his mind. The camera hangs down his shoulder as he looks around and takes it in his hands, probably aiming to film some shots. Chan slowly makes his way through the gallery, and then stops right in front of Felix’s photo on the wall.

And then Chan looks up to meet Felix’s gaze. Now he is staring for too long, giving Felix his softest smile, shrugging a little. Jisung squeezes Felix’s shoulder tightly, trying to bring him back to reality. And Felix thinks he is really going to die with the way his heart is beating now, leaving him completely breathless. That is the moment, when he feels like something breaks inside of him, coming down as a goddamn avalanche. Something so familiar, yet forgotten, filling up his lungs, chest, heart, everything.

Felix breathes heavily, trying to make up his mind, stuttering quick “I need to go to the bathroom” to Jisung. The boy tries to grab him, but Felix breaks away, rushing to the room at the back of the gallery.

With his last bits of strength, he pushes through the people to the nearest restroom on the first floor. Felix gets inside, huffing loudly, and then slides down the bathroom wall, making sure there is no one watching him, covering his face with hands, his breathing being loud and heavy.

“Hey, Lix, Hey!” Someone comes in, and fuck, did he forget to lock the door?

He looks up, seeing Jisung to his relief, who is now kneeling down in front of him, taking his hands gently. He calms Felix down, and then gives him a tight hug, patting him on the head.

“Lix, it’s fine,” he whispers softly. “Just tell me, okay?” Jisung breaks away and looks in the other boy’s eyes.

“Jisung?” Felix looks back at him, voice trembling from the tension.

“Yeah?”

Felix holds a breath, getting himself together, piece by piece.

“I think I’m in love with Chan.”

And then Felix breaks again.

*

The first month after the break up is a slump.

Felix thinks he is used to be alone, and he is not alone, in fact, with the way Jisung and Changbin are trying to keep him distracted and never leave him out of anything. And he wants to be thankful, wants to reciprocate with the same amount of love and affection.

But instead of that the sight of them makes Felix sick to the guts. And the guilt slowly starts eating him from the inside.

Felix is smart, so he starts distancing himself carefully, in the most unobvious ways. Tells them he is sick, has a lot of homework, finds a job to fill the gaps between college and sleeping. And it works, Jisung even supporting him in everything he does, thinking that Felix keeping himself busy is the best way to heal all the wounds on his heart.

Felix is smart. But Chan is smarter.

“You are pathetic.” Chan stumbles into Jisung and Felix’s shared room with a loud thump of the door instead of greetings.

“Hello to you too,” Felix mutters calmly, hovering over his study materials. “And tell me something I don’t know, Chan.”

“Why are you acting like an asshole.” Chan completely ignores the jab, coming closer to where Felix is sitting. “Acting like everything’s fine would bite you back eventually, you’re making everything worse.”

“I’m not _acting._ ”

“Felix, stop lying at least to yourself.”

“For fuck’s sake, Chan!” Felix gets up from his place in a rough motion, nearly breaking the chair. “You’re not a savior that you think you are, you can’t fix everyone.”

“I’m not trying to fix you,” Chan hisses out, coming closer. His eyes look tired, more tired than ever, dark circles framing them. “I’m just trying to keep you from hurting yourself and others.”

And for a tiny glimpse of a moment, Felix considers giving in. Because no matter how hard he tries to deny that, to burry that feeling inside and push it somewhere away, he still wants to be needed. To be taken care of.

To be loved.

But he can’t. “Do me a favor, Chris,” Felix sighs, pushing Chan away lightly, but with a reasonable force. “Just leave me alone, and mind your own business. I will manage.”

That’s what Chan does. Leaves him alone.

*

“Look, I think we already tried the avoidance of the problem tactic but you see, it doesn’t work,” Jisung says as they lay on his bed, staring into the pressuring whiteness of the ceiling.

Felix likes it, because it seems like they suddenly went back in time, to their dorm room, when everything was simple and much easier. Jisung’s head is on his shoulder and the heaviness makes him oddly comforted.

“I’m not avoiding anyone,” Felix says and Jisung gives him a questioning look. “Okay, maybe I do,” he sighs. “Just a little.”

“You do understand that I live with him, right?” Jisung asks. “He’s worried you know.”

Felix feels the lump in his throat tightening and gulps. “Of course, he does. Probably can’t finish his stupid video.”

“You know it’s not because of that.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Lix,” Jisung groans, flipping around on his stomach to face Felix. “Just talk. You can’t run away from that forever.”

“And if I really try?” Felix squeaks and Jisung lightly shoves his arm. “Okay, okay, I won’t? Just have a mercy?” He huffs a laugh, grinning widely.

“I’m glad you’re back,” Jisung smiles, biting down on his bottom lip.

“I didn’t go anywhere, though?” Felix replies meekly, but they both know what message is implied. “And yeah, I’m glad to be back to.”

It still feels overwhelming, and scary. A bit terrifying even, as Felix finally gets down to untying the tangle of feelings and problems that have been bulking up for a long, long time now. Some strings there resonate with pain, some with happiness, some with confusion and frustration.

But Felix _feels._ And that’s the only thing that matters.

“Hey, Jisung, can I borrow--,” The door opens wide, and Chan stumbles in. His look is hazy, a bit dizzy, like he is bothered with something. Felix feels his pulse somewhere in his throat as their eyes meet, just like in the gallery, but this time Chan doesn’t smile back. “Felix?”

“Chris,” Felix nods.

“You weren’t replying to any of my messages,” he furrows. “I was worried.”

Felix clenches tightly on the sheets underneath him, trying to even his breathing. “Yeah I--,” he stutters out, shakily. “A lot of work you, know. Was busy.”

“But now he’s here, right?” Jisung chimes in, and claps enthusiastically. “You needed to film some finishing touches?” He asks, getting up from the bed.

“Yeah, but--,”

“I don’t think I can--,” Felix says simultaneously, avoiding Chan’s gaze.

“I will leave you, no worries!” Jisung exclaims, and hurries to the door. “Bye.”

With that he leaves, and Felix, quite literally, is left alone in the room with his biggest fear.

“It’s nothing much,” Chan mumbles quietly under his breath. “I just need a narrative for the video. And—uhm—if you don’t want to do that it’s fine.”

Usually Chan is the prime example of confidence and stability, but now Felix catches how his hands are slightly trembling and words sound meekly from his hitched breathing.

“No, it’s fine,” Felix replies, sitting down on the bed. “I agreed to help you, after all, right?”

Chan nods and lets out a quick, tensed smile. “Good,” he huffs. “I love your voice.”

Felix feels as his lungs starting to burst from the breath he is holding, so he exhales forcefully. “Thanks,” his voice cracks, and he would have laughed, if the situation wasn’t that sad and hopeless.

“So, the interview.” Chan clears his throat. “I will just ask some questions so that I can use it as an overlay,” he opens the recording app on his phone. “So try to be as dramatic as you can.”

“Okay,” Felix replies in whisper.

“What is growing up to you?”

“Growing up?” Felix repeats, and feels as his shoulders let off the tension as his attention switches. “Like, getting older in general?”

“Yeah,” Chan nods.

Felix gulps, trying to gather his scattered thoughts into one coherent sentence. “For me it’s like standing at crossroads,” he starts, playing with the ring on his finger. “The amount of paths you can take is no less that the amount of decisions you have, which is hard because you need to choose the one right for you.”

“But we can make mistakes, right?” Chan says in a low voice and Felix jerks up his head in confusion as he expected it to be a monologue, not a dialogue. “I mean, you can always go back, and take the path that feels more right, that feels _yours._ ” Chan looks at him expectedly, like he knows what answer he wants to hear.

The air between them feels electrocuted, and suddenly the distance feels so small, Felix almost feeling the heat from Chan’s body. “But if I made way too many mistakes?” Felix asks, afraid to go higher than a whisper. “How do I know that the path I will choose again is right? How do I know I won’t get hurt again?”

The thing about crossroads is that they scare, they make you think that there is only one answer and no chance to go back.

But what if there is?

“Getting hurt again is better than being stuck.” Chan slowly leans in closer, and Felix sees the splutters of freckles under his eyes. “At least you’re moving.”

His face is close. So close that Felix starts counting those freckles to distract himself, but slowly realizes how his gaze falls to the boy’s lips. They are full, glossy, and Felix almost feels them on his skin, how soft and plush they would be under his own touch. And there is no way back.

“Please,” Chan whispers, and Felix’s heart wrings painfully in his chest.

Then a loud noise strikes the room, and the enchanting spell is broken.

They leap aside fast, Chan looking at his ringing phone in confusion. “Fuck,” he mutters and accepts the call, pressing the phone to his ear. “Hello, yes, it’s Bang Chan,” he says in a strained voice and leaves the room, closing the door.

Felix’s heart still pumps loudly in his chest, wanting to break away.

*

I’m always alone, even though I’m constantly in the crowds.

It’s a lyric from the song that Felix hears by accident, while surfing the net in searches of indie songs. This one is in unfamiliar language, though the way it is sung hits, and Felix just knows it’s something relatable, something that hits close to heart. He looks up the translation and there it is – written in small, slick letter.

_‘I’m always alone, even though I’m constantly in the crowds.’_

Felix is constantly with people – Jisung, college students and professors, his work, but still, the feeling of loneliness fills up his whole being, almost as if there is a hole in his chest that sucks in any existing emotion.

He tries fill this hole – by kissing people, substituting with a fake-ass affection and short-lived affairs. Felix does stupid things and breaks people’s heart.

Before they break his.

Until he realizes that his whole being is already in shambles.

*

Felix can't pinpoint how exactly he happened to be in the club.

The last thing he remembers is the taste of cheap alcohol in his mouth and the fogginess inside of his brain. Then there are bright lights, loud music, and crowds of people. And he is jumping up and down somewhere on the dancefloor.

Someone screams in his ear, but he doesn’t hear anything, being particularly bewitched by the music, swaying to the beat.

Anything to force out the image of those lips out of his head.

“Felix!” Someone calls out his name, and the voice is like music to his hears, overlapping with an annoyingly loud music. Felix sees it’s a dream, as the familiar pair of eyes pulls him in and he giggles. “Chriiiiis,” he throws arms around his neck.

“Okay, let’s get you home,” Chan huffs from the sudden weight on his shoulders. “Felix, oh my god, how much did you drink?” He grumbles, pulling him through the crowds of people, holding tightly onto his hand.

“I drank enough,” he sing-songs, and accompanies it with set of giggles. From his angle Felix only sees the outlines of Chan’s profile, as colourful lights fall onto his porcelain skin and lips. Dark bangs fall onto his eyes prettily, looking so soft that he wants to _touch._ He stops abruptly, pulling Chan’s arms and making him turn around. Not expecting this, Chan bumps into Felix’s chest, clenching onto his elbows not to fall. “You’re so beautiful, Chan,” he whispers somewhere near his lips, and the loud music pumps through their bodies. “So, so fucking beautiful,” he exhales, pulling even closer as their noses are brushing.

Chan obviously looks like he’s holding his breath, staring back at him as sternly. “I have to bring you home.” His voice is hoarse, almost as if it is about to break.

“What if I’m already home?” Felix asks and sees as Chan shuts his eyes close, clutching on the crook of Felix’s elbows even more.

“Lix,” he whines, pressing their foreheads together, leaving less and less space between them.

Felix is in the crowds again, but he’s not lost. He’s not alone.

He dives in, placing his lips on Chan’s. Felix’s ones are chapped, dry, most likely taste like cheap alcohol, but Chan kisses him back hungrily, like there is no tomorrow, no people around them, like the world disappears. His arms go down from Felix’s elbow to his waist, pulling him even closer as he licks in and bites down on his lower lip, gasping into his mouth.

The whole world doesn’t disappear. The whole world now consists of only Chan – his touches, his lips, his eyes, his breath. And Felix thinks he would like to get lost again, if the world looks like this.

“Lix, wait,” Chan pulls away, trying to even out his breath, but Felix dives in again, placing his lips back again. “You’re drunk,” he breaks away, but rests his forehead on Felix’s one.

“Is this bothering you?” He asks, voice shallow and husky.

“Let’s talk tomorrow, okay?” Chan cups Felix’s face gently, leaving a soft kiss on his cheekbone. And Felix’s clenches onto him, like his life depends on it, refusing to let go. “Don’t worry, I won’t leave you,” he laughs, intertwining their fingers.

The rest of the evening is blurry, but Felix holds onto Chan’s hand firmly, tightly, as they take the cab home. He feels warm and safe, Chan keeping him close in his embrace.

It feels freeing. Like Felix was underwater this whole time, in that stupid bathtub, and now finally he’s breathing in the air, coming back into senses, and it’s more intoxicating than any alcohol that runs through his veins.

Felix feels alive again.

Felix _feels._

\--

He wakes up from the feeling of fingers cradling through his hair.

The light beams softly through windows, and it’s supposedly the middle of the day as he opens his eyes, smiling at the sight of Chan in front of him. “Hey,” Felix whispers, leaning into touch even more.

“Hey,” Chan lets out a small laugh. “Feeling okay?” He asks, and his eyes express slight nervousness and worry, as he bites down on his lower lip, chewing onto it.

“Perfect,” Felix replies and hears as Chan sighs in relief. “Never felt better.”

He thought that talking it out will be hard, but, somehow, he feels the words flowing effortlessly, as if it was meant to be. “Chan, I like you,” Felix mutters softly. “I really, really like you. And I know it’s right.”

Chan smiles softly, closing his eyes. “I really, really like you too.”

It’s nice, Felix likes the feeling. It’s not as intoxicating and overwhelming as yesterday, but it feels safe, it feels right. As if it has always meant to be.

“So, what’s now?” Chan asks, moving his hand from Felix’s hair to his cheek.

“Well, you finish your goddamn video,” Felix chuckles. “And then we start over.”

“Start over?” Chan arches his eyebrows, and then laughs. “I think you’re still drunk, Lix, no offence.”

“Yeah, start over,” Felix rolls his eyes blatantly and grins. “I want to try again. Start a new path.”

“Well,” Chan leans in closer, pulling Felix into a hug. “I think I like the idea,” he says, trying to sound as serious as he can. “Any suggestions where we should meet for the first time?”

“Hmmm,” Felix hums, placing his head on Chan’s chest. It rises up and down steadily, in a calming way, and Felix can hear the heart beating fast in tact. “You know the roof on the outskirts of the city? I think it’s a nice place. You can meet so many interesting people,” he mumbles quietly, closing his eyes.

Chan’s chest vibrates form the loud laughter. “Yeah, then I think I should go there on Tuesday.”

“What a great day,” Felix plays along. “I’m sure you can run into someone at that time.”

“I will be hoping to,” Chan whispers, hugging the boy tightly, tracing quaint patterns onto Felix’s back with his fingers.

Fourth time Felix falls in love is the most favourable. There is no shame, as with Hyejoo, no confusion, as with Haneul, no hard feelings, as with Seonghwa. The only thing there is courage, even though Felix doesn’t think of the future outcomes yet. He lives in the moment, and at that exact moment he is happy, and that what matters the most.

The fourth time Lee Felix falls in love is the scariest, yet he is ready to dive in headfirst.

Because Bang Chan is his courage.

**Author's Note:**

> yay, thank you for making it to the end, i know it was a lot <3 hope you enjoyed it!!
> 
> the lyric from last flashback is real, it's from a russian song, but if you want to give it a listen it's [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akl_aCgEQi4&ab_channel=Hip-HopOdinokoyStarukhi-Topic)
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/softouchan)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/softouchan)   
> [buy me coffee <3](buymeacoffee.com/softouches)
> 
> please stream backdoor <3


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